A ‘Drumpfodian’ Global Order: Imagining a World with Donald Trump as US President


If you are wondering whether the title of this piece has been misspelt; we assure you it is not. As the renowned comedian John Oliver correctly asserted in his late night TV show Last Week Tonight, Donald Trump’s real name is actually Donald Drumpf. ‘Drumpf’ is the ancestral name of the GOP candidate whose chances of winning the Republican nomination may have been slimmer if his supporters knew Trump, who has branded his name on all that he owns, actually goes by a somewhat slightly more interesting and perhaps less attractive and funnier surname, to say the least.

Watching a Republican debate these days, it is impossible not to take notice of the colossal, yet lanky orange-haired figure (there have been unconfirmed reports that it is not in fact his own hair) gracing us with his insightful comments about how the US can be great again. Even when he decides to make our day and not show up for a debate after insulting FOX’s Megan Kelly, and we suppose all women alike, he still remains the centre of attention among GOP candidates. Whilst we can all acknowledge that the US government does need to address several pressing domestic and foreign policy issues (e.g. education, institutional racism, justice system, Syria, Russia etc), one cannot avoid drawing a parallel between the current Republican nominees and some of the world’s most beloved super villains including the ‘Legion of Doom’ and even Batman’s ‘League of Assassins’.

From Abraham Lincoln to George W. Bush, there has never been such an amalgam of contentious and provocative frontrunners that are actively marring the name of a party largely thought to have founded the contemporary United States of America. If only Rand Paul was popular it would have been so much better right now. Actually, on second thought, considering Paul joined the exclusive Republican club of climate change deniers by stating in the fourth Republican debate (November 2015) that the first thing he would do as president is repeal Obama’s Clean Power Plan; the world would really not be too much better off.

The GOP or rather the Grand Old Party, has become an international laughing stock during this electoral campaign high- jacked by another Lex Luthor-type businessman intentionally dividing and frustrating all realms of global society. For now, there is no superman in sight who can fly across Washington and put our fears to rest. However thank God for democracy that will have the last word in this historic contest and keep our concerns of a fascist takeover of the White house a possibility rather than an irreversible reality.

As American states declare their support in the Republican and Democrat primaries; a firmer picture is developing of who will be in the final race to succeed Barack Obama as the 45th US President. ‘Super Tuesday’ saw Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump tighten their grip on the nominations, with each candidate claiming the support of the majority of the states up for grabs. So far, Trump has won in 14 states, out of a total of 20 primaries, running away from second-place Ted Cruz who has won seven (including his home state of Texas, the largest state to vote to date) and Marco Rubio who has won just one state. As the nightmare continues let us just imagine a world based on Trump’s comments along the campaign trail that he has made on Iran, the Islamic State, China and refugees.

Primaries as of March 11


Trump’s Global Apocalypse

In all fairness Mr Trump has given us a lot of material to comment on, so before we get into it we would like to wholeheartedly thank him. Nevertheless, he has sparked way too much controversy for us to cover in a short note, and we would like to spare our readers a whole dissertation exploring Donald trump’s magnanimous contributions to our contemporary world. Especially since Trump has already given us ‘The Art of the Deal’, a book that he has self-proclaimed to be the greatest publication of all time, only second to the Bible (we do thoroughly recommend that you do not read the former, as some side-effects may include setting up a fraudulent business or involuntary hair bleach).

Let us start by tackling the elephant in the room; Muslims, and Syrian Refugees. Many Republican governors, Congress members and presidential candidates proposed temporary bans on admitting Syrian refugees into the US.  President Obama has blasted such proposals as ‘un-American’ and ‘offensive’. However unsurprisingly Trump has taken this issue to a whole other level. Trump has stated that many Syrian refugees including men, women and children ‘are probably members of ISIL’. A bit of a stretch there don’t you think, Donald?

Mr Trump, who is definitely getting the majority of the Arab-American and Muslim vote, has also proposed a new Identification system to counter ‘Islamic tourism’. The ID system will also be complemented by a ban on travel for all Muslims trying to enter the United States. It was reported that someone in Trump’s campaign team did not prep him about the distinction between nationality and religion or the American constitution for that matter. Nevertheless, as always Trump against all odds, overcame adversity and basic Trivia to get away with being not only ‘un-American’ and ‘offensive’ but also purely racist and ignorant. So to all, Arabs, Muslims, Europeans and humanitarians alike stay calm because Trump will surely be solving the refugee crisis after the commercial break.

Noteworthy for those of you who may know of, or have any familial association with militants, is that Mr Trump will unfortunately be eliminating all of you as he believes this is the only way to clamp down on terrorism. He believes that members of the Islamic State and al-Qaeda do not care about dying but do care about their families. If you think he does have a point, then you need to prepare proof that you do not have any form of contact or empathy to your rogue family members and perhaps you will get away with a bit of torture and water boarding. An all round, win-win scenario really.

Delving deeper into Trump’s distinct expertise across the Middle East and Muslim landscape, he and his Republican counterparts have made some interesting comments about the Iran nuclear deal. Of course Iran’s growing influence in the Middle East was and continues to be a major concern for the Obama administration. However, Obama using the multilateral path was successful in striking a historic deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran that has been seen the latter return to the fold of the international community.

In good old Trumpf fashion, Donald suggested that more restrictions need to be made on the Iran deal. In one of his most celebrated speeches he explained that he “has made many deals in his life […] many good deals […] Many great deals […]” and that this one was the most “incompetently-dealt transaction” he has ever heard of. If only his hairdresser was listening he may have begged to differ. Now, apart from his extremely humble and eloquent manner of speech his comments were as superfluous as of those who spoke before him. Indeed Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio incessantly highlighted how they would ‘undo’ the deal as if it were a typo on a word document. Meanwhile Donald believes selling hotels and steaks whilst charging tuition fees for an imaginary university is comparable to striking a nuclear non-proliferation deal. Frankly after Cruz’s and Rubio’s insights, Trump may have gotten away with threatening to use nuclear weapons on Iran itself.

Late last year, Conservative radio host Hugh Hewitt discussed with Donald Trump the importance of having an executive familiar with the intricacies and developments of armed groups and militants across the Muslim World. This was a witty trick as with no surprise what ensued was another bad game of Trivia. In response to the this unknown list of names; Hassan NasrAllah (Lebanese taxi driver), Abu Bakr Baghdadi (Iraqi primary school teacher) and Suleimani (Iranian carpet dealer); Trump once again showed his extensive expertise in Middle Eastern affairs by acknowledging that he does not know any of these people. He also added that they will probably be dead or irrelevant by the time he is in office; and 24 hours after he becomes president he would automatically know everything about them and their groups.

Moving onto scenarios that could bring us closer to World War III, the carrot-topped genius has also criticized the US economic partnership with China. The problem; unfair trade practices. His solution; force China to not devalue its currency and increase military presence in the region. His experience: he “does business with the Chinese a lot and he always wins.” Without a shadow of a doubt, this inspiring policy recommendation will de-escalate tensions in the South China Sea, improve economic and political ties, and in turn will reveal the US’s willingness to exist in a multi-polar world order. Once again we would urge one of his aides to very discretely pass Mr Trump a guide into China’s military, economic and political importance in the region as well as a Google-search of the country’s population and then ascertain the Middle Kingdom’s amenability to simply lose in its own backyard to Donald Trump and his entourage.

Dollar for Trump


Honourable mentions

Among Trump’s other mind boggling political analyses, he has suggested that the US must place pressure on the European Union (that has nothing better to do right now) to support Ukraine against Russian interference. A natural diplomat, Trump mentioned that he had been flattered by Mr Putin’s alleged liking to him and took the initiative to express his admiration towards the Russian leader. I am certain that Mr. Putin, a man who embodies all American values, will be thrilled at the current GOP primary results and even more at the prospect of having such a wise and seasoned politician such as Donald trump leading the United States.

Latinos have also felt their fair share of attraction towards Trump’s encouraging tone after he made it clear that he would build a wall across the U.S-Mexico border to stop “rapists” coming over from Mexico. Meanwhile in a bid for the African American vote, Trump also depicted his love for black Americans, a group he has systematically displaced from urban housing projects to be replaced with skyscrapers with his name on it (his made-up one that is). Defying criticism from African American leaders, TV pundits and the international media more widely, he took the considerate step of placing two hysterical but yet hilarious women – who gained fame over the internet under their alias ‘Stump for Trump Girls’ – to endorse him publically whilst representing the second largest minority in the country.

So let us go over that quickly; climate change, women, minorities, Russia, China, Iran, refugees, Muslims; yes better to stop here and close Pandora’s Box while we still can.


Donald Trump will not be President […] And the reason is because I have a lot of faith in the American people’


–          US President Barack Obama


Conclusion: Can We Still Be Saved?

As the ongoing American presidential elections continues to be at the forefront of international attention someone form the Legion of Doom may be called to tackle the minor issues of global warming, four simultaneous L3 humanitarian disasters, a fragile global economy and a rise of armed non-state actors. Will ‘Drumpf’ be the man who can use the US’s global influence to change this grim reality for the benefit of his people and the rest of humanity? We will let you decide that in your own discretion, but since you have probably figured out our stance on the matter, let us share potentially the two only ways to stop ‘Drumpf’ from entering the White House.

Trump has been able to fend off a barrage of negative press questioning everything from his business acumen to his use of profane language. He has also managed to continue expanding his conservative support base despite the backlash his views have had on public opinion both inside and outside the United States. Attacks by rival politicians have turned into endorsements (Christie and most recently Carson) whilst a wave of criticism by the incumbent along with his fellow Democrats have not been sufficient to curb his soaring popularity. So before we provide scenarios and solutions the question of why and how this is happening must be addressed.

Mr Trump has been so successful in ‘winning’, as he likes to put it, due to his profoundly shallow but yet effective campaign strategy. First off, his arguments albeit entertaining and simplistic, do cut to the heart of the anxiety that all Americans feel. He has chosen to align his gospel with the interests of the traditional base of the Republican Party while targeting politically vulnerable groups in his campaigns. Just as far-right groups are attempting to do in Europe, Mr. Trump (clearly a big fan of the latter), has presented himself as a radical messiah guiding Americans out of a deeply uncertain political and economic climate. He has exploited the concern that the US is declining in its international influence and that it is no longer the dominant force. To make matters worse this ‘messiah’, is not bound by donor contributions and political correctness and has used this ‘advantage’ by pursuing a rhetoric seemingly free of the consequences other candidates might face (withdrawal of donor support and the like). Mr Trump is a loyal servant to a declining demographic in the US that in the midst of uncertainty and frustration with their political elite actually see a viable alternative in a person who is clearly more fit to host a TV reality show.

To be clear this is not a dig at representative democracy but rather a consequence of misinformation and identity politics on a mass scale.

It is to be mentioned that if Donald Trump does actually win the Republican nomination; in the event of a tie in the presidential race, he would most certainly win. This is for the simple reason that the president is elected through ‘electoral colleges’. There are 538 votes, the winning candidate has to acquire a majority, so 270 are theoretically needed. But it is possible that two candidates win 269 each. If so, the House of Representatives selects the president. The issue here is that the house is, and will certainly remain, controlled by the Republicans.

So what is the solution? For one, the Republican Party has the power of reversing this nightmare for all of us. This process is already in the works; starring Mitt Romney and others; albeit four years too late. What it comes down to is the intricacies on how the convention rules are set up. The scenario would be unprecedented, but observing the rebuke of Trump by the republican establishment in recent weeks anything is possible. After all, no one wants a maniac in power.

The delegates could vote to change the convention rules even before the first round of balloting takes place. In the days leading up to the convention, the RNC rules Committee could recommend rules to the Convention Rules Committee. Subsequently, that committee could tweak the recommendations, but they would ultimately have to send the new rules to the floor of the convention to be voted on by the delegates. As such if the delegates vote to change the rules so as to unbind themselves then they could vote for whoever they want in that first round. For those in doubt it is to be mentioned that state law can be overruled by national convention rules in accordance to the first amendment right of association protecting voluntary political organizations (according to legal experts).

If you are still confused; unclear surrounding the convention rules or even questioning the legality of the solution, rest assured that you will not be able to change anything unless you are a Republican present in that whole process. So for that reason it is only suitable that we send a message to all US citizens at home or abroad to make the rational decision that will preserve their nation and the rest of the world alike.

For the record we are not Democrats, pundits, and have no direct stake in these elections, but we are human, multi-cultural and members of the international community. In a world where all of us are witnessing firsthand the consequences of insecurity and conflict growing at an unprecedented scale; surely we can agree that Trump will not be the one with the mind, consciousness and ability to change this. And we are certain that the country that has produced such a plethora of symbolic and charismatic leaders such as Kennedy, Roosevelt, Carter and others outside the realm of politics such as Martin Luther King and Mohammad Ali, can do without Trump for President. Is there still any doubt that we should not leave the biggest cultural, economic, military and political power of our time under the auspices of this irresponsible clown?  November 8th 2016, will not have to do with the US but with entire globe watching closely, and so, we urge all of our partners, friends, family, and loved ones in the US to make the right decision.